We're running out of time. So a final project is due at semester's end. 1500-3000 words.
** Bring in 3 story ideas. You have a wider range of possibilities here. You can do a story that happens entirely in the past, like someone who dies in a car wreck and you recreate that last car ride. Or you can do a story about someone running their first marathon or 5k or someone running in memory of their dead dad. Where do you find a story like that? On a race calendar. And you call up the organizers and you explain you're looking for a great story, some runner who has a compelling story. Do this a week before the race or two weeks. And find that right person, call them up and begin your reporting.
Or go find your own Little Miss Sunshine. But, professor, that was a movie! Was it? Because here is a list of pageants happening around here.
So you can recreate, you don't have to witness every moment in a story. But realize that witnessing makes for better and easier reporting. So I would not recommend on doing a story that occurs too far in the past -- unless it still reverberates in some kind of action and/or result today.
** Read this. "Eating Jack Hooker's Cow." We talked about cows the last class. But this is not why we're reading this. We're reading this because it's amazing. And because it will make you think about feature and narrative in a different way. Your last assignment was something like this -- regular action that might not seem significant, but really is.
** Read "Writing for Story" pages 22-90, plus the preface. You'll see.
** If you are still waiting to turn in your final version of your 1st narrative, do that on the day we agreed. Also, please read LaTasha's piece, marked it up with suggestions -- and leave some comments in the comments section here so she can read them.
Kwaume provides excellent quotes for LaTasha's piece. I believe we get a good sense of what he is like (or at least we he thinks he's like) from this profile. The theme of the piece is clear, and there are some great touches in here that show us the bigger picture. For example, state agencies were not available to Kwaume and his family when they needed help, not until they were too far gone did they become wards of the state.
ReplyDeleteI would like see some more details about Kwaume sprinkled in... based on our class discussion, this maybe where LaTasha feels like she is struggling. Kwaume tells us the most important parts of this piece with his own words, in quotes. However, I do not feel like I know his voice... what are his mannerisms like when he talks about his father becoming his drug-buying customer (for example). Is he confident, sad, indifferent? Is he shy and reticent to talk about these things? He talks about wanting to get his act together once he is set free... does his attitude reflect this? What does he look like? Does he have a huge afro? Cornrows? Tattoos? I think his image can be painted for the reader with little descriptions here and there.
I'm concerned with the focus on "criticism and circumstances." I think the first reference to the two C's is close (pg 3 graf 2), but needs just a little bit of clarity for the reader. I need help understanding how the two following references to the two C's fits into the profile of Kwaume (pg 3 graf 3 and pg 4 graf 1). I suggest expanding on how the two C's continue to impact Kwaume while he's in jail and when he's released, or consider cutting these references altogether.
Overall, I like this. I understand the premise and the theme, and I like how the description of Kwaume's trials and tribulations hint at the edges of larger injustices. I think by expanding on a few key points and sprinkling some detail/description of Kwaume this can be a very strong narrative profile.
I think LaTasha's story is better than she thinks. I'm really interested in it. There were just a few questions that came to mind as I was reading the story.
ReplyDeleteI think the story could start off with a scene. How does one go about talking to someone in prison? Did he walk in with his head down? Are there officers watching his ever move? Does he seem nervous, ashamed? He is sitting at the table. Does he lean forward like what he's saying is really important, or does he sit back, relaxed, like it's not that big of a deal?
The story mentions him taking on the pressure of taking care of his brother and mother. Is there a specific story here? Like learning how to buy groceries and cooking ramen? Opening a bank account or hiding cash under the bed? The same with the description of him hustling dope and toting guns. I have no idea what that looks like. Is there a story about that?
I also don't know what it looks like for women on drugs to take mental abuse from the men in their lives. Maybe the story could take a step back and give a larger picture of what happens to these women, how they get mixed up in these things, and how men treat them, specifically.
His circumstances are explained in the story, but I'm not sure what "people's criticism of my being" means. When was he criticized, and how does he feel like that affected things?
OK, last question. He doesn't make excuses for his actions, but he also calls himself a victim. To me, victimizing yourself is the same thing as making excuses for your actions. So...which is it? Does he actually feel bad about the things he has done? Or does he feel like it wasn't his fault? Page 3 sounds like it's wrapping up the story with a moral or a lesson learned. I'm just a little confused about if I should feel good about him because he has learned some lessons, or if I should feel sympathy for him because none of it was his fault, or if I should think badly of him because he did a lot of illegal stuff but he doesn't think it was his fault. It might help the reader to pick what we should be feeling about this guy and drive it home.
I enjoyed reading your narrative profile, LaTasha. I am in agreement with Amanda, that it is better than you may think. I think you painted a good picture of Kwaume’s childhood and his family, and the struggles he has encountered that landed him where he is, though he takes full responsibility for his actions and does not use them as an excuse.
ReplyDeleteThere were several areas throughout the narrative were we are able to visualize Kwaume and his mannerisms, based on your descriptions, such as his “simple gray state issue uniform”, “clinched fist”, “5-foot-6 only weighing about 145 pounds laughing viscously”, “folded his hands and dropped his head”, “slight hint of grief”, “…biting his bottom lip”. Though I would like to see a few more details, I think you do paint a good picture of the subject of your profile.
However, I’m unsure about using a quote as the first sentence of your introduction. I’m not sure the quote is effective enough to draw the reader in – to hook them. Perhaps it would help to have more of an introduction to Kwaume before quoting him.
But I think you did very well with your transitions. I think transitions are important to keep the story moving and you successfully did that in your transitions between the paragraphs. The transitions seem well-thought out; like you invested the time in keeping Kwaume’s story moving.
An area where I think can be improved are the quotes you include in the narrative. There are either too many, or the quotes are too long. Perhaps not all of the quotes need to be included, or not the entire quote. Perhaps that is where “more showing and less telling” would be beneficial. I would also suggest shorter sentences in some areas so as not to cause the reader to lose interest, or even to emphasize certain aspects of the story.
I like the idea of the ending of the narrative, although I think it is a bit too abrupt. I almost feel cheated because I want to know more. For example, how much time does Kwaume have left on his sentence? Where does he think he will go if he knows he doesn’t want to go back to the streets?
Overall I think you did a fine job with your narrative profile, LaTasha. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Joelle